Well, I guess I’ve been hiding a little this past month or so and basking in my own solitude world. The harsh reality of never getting anywhere with a proper job is never far from my mind and I have had my usual share of rejection emails to last the rest of the year, yet again. Yes, I am back at the Danish language school in a few weeks (YIPPEE!), but that’s about as fulfilling as dried up, old horse manure – in comparison to my former life…
I have turned to online pc games again to stop my poor mind from thinking too much and reduce the voices of doom inside my head! It’s temporary, there is still a fighting soul in there somewhere and my ability to bounce about like a lost, little, fun bouncy ball still exists. I guess the winter blues are setting in a little earlier than usual this year, knowing that there will be approx 5 to 6 months of wind, rain, snow and ice – mashed up with a dash of long dark nights and staying in (doing the ‘hygge’ thing)…. all do wonders for my overall sense of well being.
At times I worry that my previous spell of depression will threaten to return and grip me in it’s icy, cold veins, but I guess I have the right people round me sometimes and the strength of mind to keep it at bay for a little longer…
I just know that once I have mastered more Dansk, then woe betide anyone who stands in the way of me and any chosen ‘late’ change in career route I elect to go down… (providing I’m not crazy as a loon, and come out of this experience at the other end).
I have intentionally shunned as much Danish social interaction as possible this last month, just to avoid the usual: –
- dansk sprog and my incompetence at speaking it (thus far),
- the lets pick on the British girl fun (and the gasps of HOW can you not like Black Adder, or Monty Python!),
- getting wasted in order to adopt the uncaring/lackadaisical attitude,
- feeling guilty for not speaking Danish,
- not having the same ‘sense of humour/fun’, worrying too much and increasing my anxiety levels.
For those of you who like Black Adder, or Monty Python – no offence meant – I just have different tastes. Anyhow, I can’t hide forever. So, the time to pick my head out of the sand and try, try again will eventually re-kick start.
I also need to stop reading and listening to all the negative stuff going on over here and try and imagine myself as a noob to the place. If I look back now from when I first arrived, then I can say that I have learnt more Danish than I thought, just NOT ENOUGH! I’m not sure it ever will be enough either 😦 And the bits I have learnt, I don’t speak – because my confidence with it is now buried 6 feet underground, after much bullying and lack of tolerance, or willingness to try and understand and respond properly.
I guess I did go to a comedy night last week, maybe more of these are what is needed before I can say to all in DK – SLAP AF and leave me alone, I am British, not here for the money or to bleed the system dry (not that I get any help anyway), am not a threat to the Danish ‘nationals’ (as I do not want to have kids or multiply and threaten the entire race), commit no ‘foreign’ crimes, and do not want Danish citizenship as I am quite happy to stay just as I am – simply British!
I just want to be accepted for who I am, progress further, live peacefully and grow old(er) here, with my Danish partner… Too much to ask?